tender times

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Once, I fell in love with a girl and she loved me back. We lived close to each other and every day I walked over to her tiny apartment and we would talk and fuck and and talk more and fuck even more and then we would grow hungry from all the fucking and talking and we would kiss in the supermarket while getting food to take home and cook together and after dinner we would sit and just stare at each other smiling, like two young beautiful idiots in some rosy Italian film.

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At night we would do cocaine and drink white wine in bed while talking about our lives, the people we know and the music we loved. We listened to Conan Mockasin and the Junior Boys and if we ran out of cigarettes she would walk barefoot out on to the street in front of my house to ask random people if we could have some of theirs. High on pills we sneaked into hotels to fuck in empty rooms. We swam in the river Amstel when everyone was watching Holland beat Brazil in a world cup game and the city seemed deserted. One day, I made her look into my eyes while she came. Eyes wide open. She didn’t blink.

One night, we lay in bed almost asleep when the bar outside played her favorite song. She got up and walked to the window to listen. I watched her as she got up, completely mesmerized by the perfect softness of her naked body. We stood at the window. I felt a cool summer breeze. That moment. That was the moment I realized I loved her too much.

This hungry love. This burning hungry love. Without fuel it will burn a hole in your heart. Why do I desire something that destroys me?

For a long time a wished I could go back in time. maybe I still do, somewhere deep inside me. Would I do things differently?

Probably not.

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